I’m sure if I google this blog title I’ll come up with millions upon millions of results, but that would be depressing so I won’t risk it.
Lately I’ve been complaining that no one really prepared me for my twenties. Nothing I learned in high school health class seems applicable now except how to balance my checkbook, which…I don’t do because I don’t use my checks. (Side note: I’m sure all the sex ed would have been helpful had I been straight. Whoops.) I would also be lying if I said I didn’t know what I expected for this time of my life because what I expected was to be a published author, writing all day and night effortlessly, not having to worry about the daily work grind. I was allowed to be an idealist for 25 years of my life. I’m sure there were naysayers aplenty that I just ignored. So now I’m facing the reality of it all: I am the one who did not prepare myself for my twenties and, fuck, it wasn’t a good choice.
I pushed myself hard through school but never really pushed myself into working to sustain it because I was lucky enough to have my parents to help with schooling while I still lived at home. That’s a goddamn lot of privilege, I am well aware.
So, now, here I am working part-time, writing the rest of the time (or trying to) and struggling ALL the time. My girlfriend of four years is still in school to get her second degree in the sciences but she has also added on a full-time job. We see each other a lot less and, if I take on a full-time position at my present job, we will see each other only on weekends very soon. I’m learning pretty quickly how naive I was to think that we could keep each other as a main daily priority through all these very sudden Adult Decisions. It’s jarring and depressing and nauseating.
I am trying to finish my novel to maybe make my teenage dream a reality but the lingering thought through everything now is: What if I just don’t make it as a writer? What if this is it?
The important thing, I know, is to try because that is the only way to climb up out of the mire, but then there are still so many other people that are going to be left to fill my position and that…that is also depressing.
So, because today is so dark, a brief list of good things to hold on to:
1. Good relationships all around
2. An almost half-finished novel. (Dear self, That is something, whether you choose to believe it or not. Love, Me.)
3. No rent to pay. What a spoiled brat.
4. A writing group that believes in me enough to try to convince me not to work full-time and sell my soul.
5. I don’t know, puppies or something.
I’m trying. I say this a lot now days. I think that may be the point of my twenties.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me!